when i say the word "bitter," what comes to your mind? is it the medicine you swallow that gets stuck in your throat? maybe it's when you accidentally chew on an orange seed? or maybe it’s that americano made by a barista who clearly needs more practice? you might have a ton of answers i’ve never even thought of, or maybe you’re thinking the same thing as me when i hear the word "bitter," it’s the picture of life that pops into my head. why do i say that? first, i'm not saying this applies to everyone’s life, or even my own life all the time. my life’s pretty sweet, actually. i grew up in a family full of love, with financial stability, and a lot of good things happening. but why do i say life is bitter?
when i was in my teens, maybe 18 or 19? right before i hit 20, i had so many questions and felt super confused. like, why are so many people obsessed with dying young? was their youth what i thought seemed fun actually bitter for them? and why do my favorite korean celebs always talk about how empty their lives feel in interviews? doesn’t money and fame bring happiness? what’s up with that, especially when they have millions of fans supporting them? these were the naive thoughts that filled my head.
then i turned 20, and everything changed. so many things in my life started to shift. that’s when i realized what i’d been wondering about all along. that “bittersweet” time began creeping in, one by one. sure, it’s nothing compared to what others go through, but it was enough to make me reflect more and feel scared. where did the optimistic, cheerful girl go? i thought.
problem after problem started feeling heavier and more serious. maybe this is what it feels like to carry a burden that’s been weighing on people for ages. the simple stuff that used to make me happy started to feel kind of bland. like a factory-set robot, repeating the same tasks over and over again. my days started feeling like that. and the more i went on, the more i realized that we’re all kind of alone in this. we’ve got to deal with our problems on our own because even the people around us are struggling with their own burdens.
i also think about happiness we have now the happiness we get to taste in the moment is just the result of endless hard work, like climbing a mountain just to grab a glass of water, and even then, that glass of water doesn’t make up for the exhaustion and sacrifices we made on the way to get it. i truly believe in a kind and just god who will reward our efforts, but in this fleeting and temporary world, i see more injustice and endless sorrow than i do eternal happiness or absolute fairness. for me, happiness is always temporary, but pain and sorrow are the two things that’ll stick with us until the end. also, you’re just floating around on a boat, lost in the middle of so many choices, but you have no idea which one to take. that’s life to me. so many people are haunted by confusion, but at the same time, they’re forced by reality to move fast, fast, fast, without even thinking if their feet can handle that speed. can wealth and escape get rid of life’s bitterness? of course not.
maybe little things help take the edge off like a sweet touch from someone you love, a dumb joke from a friend, hearing your favorite song in a store, a new episode of your go-to tv show, or even just feeling the refreshing water when you shower. but in the end, it’s all temporary. we’re still left with the same haunting reflections, the growing fears, like a parasite feeding on you. we all have to face that dark room, full of unanswered questions, confusion, and no direction.
i hope this is just a phase, something i’ll look back on when i get to that sweet spot in life. i’m sure people my age are thinking the same. right now, though, i’m still calling life bitter because every day feels like a battle. let them say i’m overdramatic. every person has their own capacity to handle things, and i hope we can all tackle this chaos, one step at a time. it’s okay to take a break, even ask for help, but never depend on someone else to live your life. stand on your own feet.
i hope in a few years, i’ll laugh at this and make fun of the person i was feeling all down about life’s changes. i hope we all make it through the storms and come out into the cool air, with a rainbow stretching across the sky. i hope the bitterness we go through is the medicine we need to reach the dreams we've been hiding. maybe i’ll edit this post later, adding something like, “the rainbow’s here, i made it through.” and i hope the same for you. we didn’t go through all this for nothing.
- kharisma
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