bitter now, we'll laugh later. damnnnnnnnnnnnn

when i say the word "bitter," what comes to your mind? is it the medicine you swallow that gets stuck in your throat? maybe it's when you accidentally chew on an orange seed? or maybe it’s that americano made by a barista who clearly needs more practice? you might have a ton of answers i’ve never even thought of, or maybe you’re thinking the same thing as me when i hear the word "bitter," it’s the picture of life that pops into my head. why do i say that? first, i'm not saying this applies to everyone’s life, or even my own life all the time. my life’s pretty sweet, actually. i grew up in a family full of love, with financial stability, and a lot of good things happening. but why do i say life is bitter?

when i was in my teens, maybe 18 or 19? right before i hit 20, i had so many questions and felt super confused. like, why are so many people obsessed with dying young? was their youth what i thought seemed fun actually bitter for them? and why do my favorite korean celebs always talk about how empty their lives feel in interviews? doesn’t money and fame bring happiness? what’s up with that, especially when they have millions of fans supporting them? these were the naive thoughts that filled my head.  

then i turned 20, and everything changed. so many things in my life started to shift. that’s when i realized what i’d been wondering about all along. that “bittersweet” time began creeping in, one by one. sure, it’s nothing compared to what others go through, but it was enough to make me reflect more and feel scared. where did the optimistic, cheerful girl go? i thought. 

problem after problem started feeling heavier and more serious. maybe this is what it feels like to carry a burden that’s been weighing on people for ages. the simple stuff that used to make me happy started to feel kind of bland. like a factory-set robot, repeating the same tasks over and over again. my days started feeling like that. and the more i went on, the more i realized that we’re all kind of alone in this. we’ve got to deal with our problems on our own because even the people around us are struggling with their own burdens.

i also think about happiness we have now the happiness we get to taste in the moment is just the result of endless hard work, like climbing a mountain just to grab a glass of water, and even then, that glass of water doesn’t make up for the exhaustion and sacrifices we made on the way to get it. i truly believe in a kind and just god who will reward our efforts, but in this fleeting and temporary world, i see more injustice and endless sorrow than i do eternal happiness or absolute fairness. for me, happiness is always temporary, but pain and sorrow are the two things that’ll stick with us until the end. also, you’re just floating around on a boat, lost in the middle of so many choices, but you have no idea which one to take. that’s life to me. so many people are haunted by confusion, but at the same time, they’re forced by reality to move fast, fast, fast, without even thinking if their feet can handle that speed. can wealth and escape get rid of life’s bitterness? of course not.

maybe little things help take the edge off like a sweet touch from someone you love, a dumb joke from a friend, hearing your favorite song in a store, a new episode of your go-to tv show, or even just feeling the refreshing water when you shower. but in the end, it’s all temporary. we’re still left with the same haunting reflections, the growing fears, like a parasite feeding on you. we all have to face that dark room, full of unanswered questions, confusion, and no direction.

i hope this is just a phase, something i’ll look back on when i get to that sweet spot in life. i’m sure people my age are thinking the same. right now, though, i’m still calling life bitter because every day feels like a battle. let them say i’m overdramatic. every person has their own capacity to handle things, and i hope we can all tackle this chaos, one step at a time. it’s okay to take a break, even ask for help, but never depend on someone else to live your life. stand on your own feet. 

i hope in a few years, i’ll laugh at this and make fun of the person i was feeling all down about life’s changes. i hope we all make it through the storms and come out into the cool air, with a rainbow stretching across the sky. i hope the bitterness we go through is the medicine we need to reach the dreams we've been hiding. maybe i’ll edit this post later, adding something like, “the rainbow’s here, i made it through.” and i hope the same for you. we didn’t go through all this for nothing.

- kharisma

that call me by your name movie? straight up beautiful and messy

everything about this movie just hits right, like a perfect bouquet of vibes. the story, the soundtrack, the cinematography, the setting, it all just clicks. the soundtrack? it’s like rain at a funeral, it hits deep during those emotional moments, pulling you even more into the film. honestly, i was blown away by the actors, especially timothée chalamet as elio. you didn’t even need words to feel what he was going through his face and body language told you everything. the way he gave so much meaning to every single line? insane. and armie hammer as oliver? perfect. this tall guy who’s always rocking shorts, so different from elio, and the way they talk to each other it’s unlike anything you see in other movies. this film, even though it deals with some taboo stuff, has this raw beauty that’s hard to explain but leaves you feeling it deep inside. and that ending? heartbreaking. no fights, no blame, just pure emotion. it’s the kind of story you watch once and it sticks with you. mr. perlman’s speech at the end? it hit me with life lessons that lowkey changed me. no doubt, this will always be my favorite movie. ok so probably there will be some added review, i mean the full one but it's 3am and goddamn im so sleepy so lemme just have some rest and i'll write this again maybe if something good happen? pray for me then, so i can finish this writing cause i love doing this shit whenever something good happen.

weird dream, i guess?

right now, i’m watching a movie, but i’ve had these thoughts bugging me for like an hour. damn, i can’t focus on the subtitles and keep drifting off into my own head. so, i’m just gonna finish this annoying distraction by writing it down here, kinda like transferring it out of my brain storage, you know? the movie’s about finding yourself, and there’s this scene where they talk about the biggest thing you want to do in life before you kick the bucket. alright, i’ll join in. 

sources: reddit

so, i’m suuuuuper into fashion, especially streetwear that’s bold and shows off a strong personality, like bright hair colors, rings on every finger, stacked bracelets, piercings on the face, and tattoos with stories behind them. i’m all about that kind of style. when it comes to clothes, i’d probably pick whatever looks different but still keeps my own vibe, maybe mixing clashing colors or picking out unique patterns. i feel like i have this 90s throwback vibe in every outfit i wear. and fun fact: 95% of the clothes i wear are from thrift shops in the last couple of years only 5% are brand new. the main reason? i love unique stuff that no one else has. i think the clothes i find while thrifting are one of a kind, and most of them have that old-school, slightly worn-out vibe that i dig.

anyway, back to what i was saying earlier about the biggest thing i want to do before i die. i was born into a very religious family with strict rules, and yeah, that’s a good thing, but it kinda held me back from being who i really want to be. this isn’t some rebellious rant or anything, i just need to let out what i’ve been keeping inside. so, the biggest thing i want to do is dress however i want. dye my hair bright colors, get some piercings on my face, maybe like my lip, eyebrows, nostrils, whatever. i also want some tattoos on my arms, neck, shoulders, and chest. 

i want to travel around rocking the outfits i've always dreamed of, like mixing clothes to look wild and full of character. but I know deep down, that dream probably won’t happen, and to make it come true, i think i’d like to go to japan, dress however i want, and not have to worry about weird stares from people or my parents yelling at me. just me, enjoying fashion, being myself for a few days, checking out coffee shops, observing the fashion of strangers passing by, and giving them props for how awesome they look. and then, of course, looking at myself in the mirror, feeling fly. that’s my simple wish that might be a little hard to achieve, but i’ll try my best.

living in a place where fashion’s still not super open-minded honestly sucks. so, for anyone out there who has the chance to express yourself, who has the freedom to do whatever you want, yooo im begging u pls just do it. make it happen and make yourself happy. as long as you’re not hurting anyone, be free. i’ll be cheering for you. oh btw i wanna post some cute pics here to show u guys about my faves picture of me wearing my precious selected outfits but i have some reasons to keep it private so... im so sorry